I’m bored, and I feel kind of pathetic doing nothing on this Friday night. Welcome week Friday night, no less. Hopefully this isn’t indicative of the type of college experience I’ll be having. I feel pretty pessimistic right now. Maybe it’s just homesickness..
My roommate is pretty nice…she’s a lot like me I think. We have similar personalities but not really any common interests; she moved from China a couple of years ago so she likes Chinese music and tv shows. I think I wish that I had a more outgoing roommate. With the both of us together, it’s just so quiet. With her being shy and quiet like I am, like I’ve been, I feel like it enables me to just keep acting shy and quiet even if I want to change. I feel like most other freshmen go around to events and things with their roommates and my roommate doesn’t really want to go to them, so it’s been hard to make friends. When I’m with other introverted people I think I kind of become the more outgoing one, so I’ve been trying to become better friends with her, but it’s hard to find things to talk about since culturally we’re so different.
Hopefully I don’t sound whiny, but I also kind of wish I was in a different room. It’s not that big of a deal, but my room is all the way at the end of the hall. Like literally the last room. So if I leave my door open to try to be more social and open and whatnot, there’s not a lot of people walking around this way anyway.
This weekend there’s an “orientation for LGBT students and allies”. I don’t know if I want to go. I’ve been chiding myself, like what am I expecting to happen? I don’t feel like I’m ready to tell the three other people I know at this school, or especially my roommate, that I’m gay. So will I just go alone? Going alone to events hasn’t been working out for me, I just feel awkward and self-conscious. Before I started college it was so easy to think I would start coming out when I started school again. What a nice fantasy, right? I just feel like…being gay is just a small part of me so it’s easier to hide it and disregard it than deal with coming out. What am I expecting to happen? I guess…I’d like to make friends. Queer friends. Then I could have similar people to talk to, I guess. But would making queer friends be any easier than making straight friends? Historically, I’ve not been much good at the latter. If I can’t come out to the people I know here, will I be able to identify myself as a lesbian to strangers I want to make friends with? I’m concerned about my roommate finding out, because I really don’t know how she would react. I asked her about religion and she’s not religious, but she seems really sheltered and conservative.
Plus: I’m not even sure if I can go to the queer orientation thing because my parents are coming to see me on that day. I don’t know when exactly, but their visit is probably going to coincide with it.
I’m lonely. It sucks.
Concrete Reverie 
September 27, 2008 at 2:16 pm
whatever you decide, good luck
September 27, 2008 at 10:52 pm
It sounds like you might be a tad bit anxious about the whole lesbian, gay, lgbt, queer thing. Understandably so… However, I suggest not trying to define who or what you are until you better know for yourself. Your sexual orientation is a large part of who you are and who you’ll become but it doesn’t need to define you. Try not to let it because that label won’t always fit. Honestly, I know it’s hard but try not to focus too much or you might miss out on life while making these other plans. Contemplating. Or worse, miss a potential hottie who knows what she is and what she likes. I say, explore your new surroundings, you never know what lies beneath.
BTW- Is the glass half full or half empty? depends on how you spin it but you tell me. I’ll try to write more or explain if you aren’t put off by my thoughts.
Also, check out some legit online tv/movie sites.. or maybe some not so legit for further exploration. It’s not passing away time if your are learning more about your interests and turn ons.
be good to you.
September 28, 2008 at 11:15 am
Thanks bentcrude and disapprhere, that sounds like good advice. What do you mean by the glass being half full or half empty? Yes, please write more 🙂
September 28, 2008 at 2:35 pm
I think I should just really concentrate on my studies, because I want to get straight A’s and transfer to another college. I’m just worried about staying socially awkward all my life. But maybe if I don’t stress out about making friends it will happen easier.
September 28, 2008 at 11:54 pm
My first week at college, I got ludicrously drunk at a toga party and then spent the next three weeks being totally antisocial. I played Final Fantasy in my room and missed most of the scheduled activities in favour of hanging out with a friend who lived in the college next door, and although I ended up with a group of friends, I spent so much of my 2 years there being, well, elsewhere, that I started worrying if I was missing out, ‘coz everyone had all these photos of them on the bulletin boards and weird anecdotes about other people I didn’t know, and so much of it happened in the background of my life that it felt like maybe I’d missed the boat.
It wasn’t until after college – I’m still at uni, but doing it by correspondence – that I realised I hadn’t been missing out at all, and that college is really a lot like highschool. It’s a false environment filled with people you wouldn’t necessarily choose to hang out with, there’s lots of activities where you’re all together for sake of it, and while it’s great for anonymous socialising and random drinks, it seems to me that what you want is to make deeper connections with a few people who are more like you, rather than shallow connections with people you have little or nothing in common with.
So my advice is, don’t stress. Clubs and activity/support groups (and class) are much better places to meet people than your dorm, because you’re starting out on a basis of mutual interest – plus, it’s generally quiet enough to talk, and this is actually sort of the point. It’s always hard to go out and meet new friends in a new place, but trust me: you’re not missing out on much. You’ll be fine 🙂
October 1, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Thanks 🙂
I kinda do want to go out and get drunk…I know it’s stupid but I’m curious and I’ve never done anything like that before. I don’t know if I want to join any clubs, but yeah hopefully I make friends in my classes.
I’ve been inexplicably just feeling more optimistic and social lately, so that’s nice…and it may be a little unrealistic for me, but I still want to try and get to know most of the people in my hall.
October 1, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Going out drinking is extremely fun, but if you’ve never really drunk before, I strongly recommend doing so with good friends, the kind who’ll look after you if you go a little bit overboard (as pretty much everyone does, their first time). The first time you really get drunk, it’s awesome up until you think you might die. Also, a handy hint: have a glass of water every two drinks to decrease hangovers and stay hydrated. Part of what can make nights out bad is that alcohol dehydrates you, so the more you drink, the thirstier you get. Putting some actual water back in your system = awesome! 🙂
October 1, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Yeah that’s what I’m worried about, also I’d like not to get drugged and raped. Alcohol isn’t allowed on my campus though, so that makes it harder to go find a party