What is home? If it’s where the heart is, well, I love lots of people. And they’re spread out all over the place.

I remember my old Psych. teacher saying that when you leave home, you generally get homesick after the first three days, then after the first three weeks, then after the first three months. I don’t know if I’ve felt homesick. Maybe it’s because I’ve gone home a few times, or because I know I can go home if I want to. I do miss my parents and friends a lot sometimes. Is that what homesickness is?

The other day there was a fire in my building. The alarms went off at around 3 am and everyone had to stay out in the cold for almost an hour. When I got up I was groggy and annoyed, but also kind of scared, and I didn’t think to take anything with me. I heard people saying they’d smelled smoke, and I started to worry. After waiting 45 minutes with no news, they herded us into some common rooms. I really started to worry. I thought we would stay there the rest of the night, and that the whole building would be gone or something. The only thing I really cared about in my room was my hard drive. Music and video files would be a pain to replace, but my pictures. Most of them are not backed up. Vacation photos, family photos, photos with friends, pretentious self-portraits, all would be lost if that hard drive was lost. Anyway, We were allowed back into our rooms a short while later. The fire was only in the basement. They think some dumbass threw a cigarette down the trash chute.

This made me think about how computers can sort of be home. I can e-mail my mom, stay connected to friends, listen to the same music I listened to back home, lol at the same websites I loled at back home. It’s sort of unhealthy how much I feel I need the computer/internet, but it connects me to home, whatever it is.

My heart goes out to everyone whose homes have been damaged in the CA fires. I know I’m very lucky that I’ve never been affected by a natural disaster like this. I can’t imagine how devastating that must be, and I’ll be praying for them as they rebuild.

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I’m bored, and I feel kind of pathetic doing nothing on this Friday night. Welcome week Friday night, no less. Hopefully this isn’t indicative of the type of college experience I’ll be having. I feel pretty pessimistic right now. Maybe it’s just homesickness..

My roommate is pretty nice…she’s a lot like me I think. We have similar personalities but not really any common interests; she moved from China a couple of years ago so she likes Chinese music and tv shows. I think I wish that I had a more outgoing roommate. With the both of us together, it’s just so quiet. With her being shy and quiet like I am, like I’ve been, I feel like it enables me to just keep acting shy and quiet even if I want to change. I feel like most other freshmen go around to events and things with their roommates and my roommate doesn’t really want to go to them, so it’s been hard to make friends. When I’m with other introverted people I think I kind of become the more outgoing one, so I’ve been trying to become better friends with her, but it’s hard to find things to talk about since culturally we’re so different.

Hopefully I don’t sound whiny, but I also kind of wish I was in a different room. It’s not that big of a deal, but my room is all the way at the end of the hall. Like literally the last room. So if I leave my door open to try to be more social and open and whatnot, there’s not a lot of people walking around this way anyway.

This weekend there’s an “orientation for LGBT students and allies”. I don’t know if I want to go. I’ve been chiding myself, like what am I expecting to happen? I don’t feel like I’m ready to tell the three other people I know at this school, or especially my roommate, that I’m gay. So will I just go alone? Going alone to events hasn’t been working out for me, I just feel awkward and self-conscious. Before I started college it was so easy to think I would start coming out when I started school again. What a nice fantasy, right? I just feel like…being gay is just a small part of me so it’s easier to hide it and disregard it than deal with coming out. What am I expecting to happen? I guess…I’d like to make friends. Queer friends. Then I could have similar people to talk to, I guess. But would making queer friends be any easier than making straight friends? Historically, I’ve not been much good at the latter. If I can’t come out to the people I know here, will I be able to identify myself as a lesbian to strangers I want to make friends with? I’m concerned about my roommate finding out, because I really don’t know how she would react. I asked her about religion and she’s not religious, but she seems really sheltered and conservative.

Plus: I’m not even sure if I can go to the queer orientation thing because my parents are coming to see me on that day. I don’t know when exactly, but their visit is probably going to coincide with it.

I’m lonely. It sucks.