I’ve kind of been putting off writing…but there’s lots I’ve wanted to write about. I’ve been really busy with school, though. I got dropped from my Psych class because I missed one of the discussions; I got the time mixed up with my other class and it was so, so stupid. The professor made me drop it or else I would be failed. It’s part of the college policy, and I think they usually don’t enforce it, but for this class there was a long wait list. Because of that, because of that one stupid mix-up, I had to add another class, Religious Studies, three weeks into instruction. The class is pretty interesting, and I like the professor a lot better; he’s really funny during lectures. But having to catch up really sucks.

Being so busy means I don’t really have time to worry about not making friends. I’m not really angsty about it anymore, and I’ve realized that even though I wish I had a group of friends like the other kids in the hall, I don’t necessarily want that group of friends. I think they’re kind of obnoxious/rude because sometimes they’re really loud at night. I used to think that I didn’t have high standards for friendship, or that I liked most everyone, but I think I’m just really big on respect. When people act disrespectfully around me I pretty much instantly dislike them.

I have a class with the guy across the hall from me, and I thought we could be friends. He’s kind of awkward and geeky, which isn’t so bad, I’m pretty awkward myself. But when we were talking the other day he called some guys faggots. That pissed me off. It could just be him trying to be cool, but just…aah. It’s not cool at all. So I don’t really want to talk to him anymore. I wish I had any other classes with people in my hall. I really like some of the people in my English class but they live in other buildings and I don’t know how to like…initiate hanging out and they probably have a group of friends anyway.

I’ve been getting to know my roommate more, and we get along really well. But it still feels like…it’s hard to feel closer to her because we don’t have interests in common. We haven’t really hung out other than eating dinner together.

The other day she asked if I had ever had any crushes. I’m so tempted but so scared to come out to her. I was laughing at myself in my head because my response was so awkward. I just said yeah and vaguely described “him” as a really smart and funny guy who used to be in my class. I don’t think my roommate would freak out if I tell her I’m gay, she has said that she used to have a gay guy friend. I’m just scared she’d be iffy because we live together and all.

On a positive note…I got an A- on my first essay. πŸ˜€ woo! (although another one’s due this tuesday 😦 )

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I’m bored, and I feel kind of pathetic doing nothing on this Friday night. Welcome week Friday night, no less. Hopefully this isn’t indicative of the type of college experience I’ll be having. I feel pretty pessimistic right now. Maybe it’s just homesickness..

My roommate is pretty nice…she’s a lot like me I think. We have similar personalities but not really any common interests; she moved from China a couple of years ago so she likes Chinese music and tv shows. I think I wish that I had a more outgoing roommate. With the both of us together, it’s just so quiet. With her being shy and quiet like I am, like I’ve been, I feel like it enables me to just keep acting shy and quiet even if I want to change. I feel like most other freshmen go around to events and things with their roommates and my roommate doesn’t really want to go to them, so it’s been hard to make friends. When I’m with other introverted people I think I kind of become the more outgoing one, so I’ve been trying to become better friends with her, but it’s hard to find things to talk about since culturally we’re so different.

Hopefully I don’t sound whiny, but I also kind of wish I was in a different room. It’s not that big of a deal, but my room is all the way at the end of the hall. Like literally the last room. So if I leave my door open to try to be more social and open and whatnot, there’s not a lot of people walking around this way anyway.

This weekend there’s an “orientation for LGBT students and allies”. I don’t know if I want to go. I’ve been chiding myself, like what am I expecting to happen? I don’t feel like I’m ready to tell the three other people I know at this school, or especially my roommate, that I’m gay. So will I just go alone? Going alone to events hasn’t been working out for me, I just feel awkward and self-conscious. Before I started college it was so easy to think I would start coming out when I started school again. What a nice fantasy, right? I just feel like…being gay is just a small part of me so it’s easier to hide it and disregard it than deal with coming out. What am I expecting to happen? I guess…I’d like to make friends. Queer friends. Then I could have similar people to talk to, I guess. But would making queer friends be any easier than making straight friends? Historically, I’ve not been much good at the latter. If I can’t come out to the people I know here, will I be able to identify myself as a lesbian to strangers I want to make friends with? I’m concerned about my roommate finding out, because I really don’t know how she would react. I asked her about religion and she’s not religious, but she seems really sheltered and conservative.

Plus: I’m not even sure if I can go to the queer orientation thing because my parents are coming to see me on that day. I don’t know when exactly, but their visit is probably going to coincide with it.

I’m lonely. It sucks.

My parents are sort of fighting right now. Well, my mom is really angry at my dad. She’s been talking to me about how she hates when he hangs out with his co-workers on Sat. nights because she feels like she’s not an important enough part of his life, like they don’t spend enough time together. I suggested that she go with him to their get-togethers but she says she wouldn’t be comfortable because she doesn’t like Filipinos (my parents grew up in the Philippines…and I guess my mom doesn’t like the culture). She told me what she said to him the other night when she found out he was going to another party tonight. I thought it was overly mean and insulting to him and his friends. I really sympathize with her, and I feel bad for her. I think it was wrong of my dad to not tell her about the party until I brought up that I wanted to hang out with my friends that night. But I don’t think she should have said what she did; I think she just should have told him that she misses him and wants to spend more time with him.

I think I feel partly responsible. Before that fight my mom was telling me how she has a problem saying how she feels when people do things that bug her. She sort of joked that she wanted me to be her psychologist. I liked the idea…I mean this is what I wanted, right? For our relationship to progress where she could seek help from me and value my opinions. So I told her that she should tell my dad how she feels because by sharing her feelings she would need to trust him and show herself to be vulnerable. Through this their relationship could be strengthened. (Although I probably didn’t say it so clearly :/)

When I was in middle school my parents were angry with each other for a while. I think it was sort of the same situation, where my mom was annoyed with something my dad kept doing, and he was getting weary of her nagging(sorry mom, but you can be pretty harsh). I could see their frustration, especially my mom’s. One day she took me aside and told me that someday she was going to divorce my dad. I’m still kind of mad at her about this. I mean…isn’t the point of “staying together for the kids” that you don’t want to involve them in your relationship troubles? Why was she telling me that? Middle school doesn’t suck hard enough? It really bothered me. I felt like they were going to break up soon and everything would change and I hated for my family to change and I hated thinking about it. Eventually my parents made up. My mom started having some shoulder and back problems, and my dad takes good care of her, so she said that she appreciates that and sees how much he loves her.

This time around, I don’t know…I really hope that they make up soon. I was talking to my mom this morning and she told me again that she wants to divorce my dad. That hurt, again. I’ve been dealing with a lot of change since middle school, but instead of strengthening me, it almost feels like it’s all breaking me down. Can’t anything stay constant? Be the way I want it to? I’ve just been trying to be really nice and engaging and accommodating to my mom, trying to keep her happy. I think I have to talk to my dad about this. I wouldn’t mention divorce at all, I think that would seriously hurt him and I would probably just fuck it all up. But maybe I should “ground” him and force him to go on dates with my mom. They’ve never been into sentimental relationship stuff, they don’t even really celebrate their anniversaries. Maybe I should make them start.

I really don’t want to think that my mom is serious about this. She asked me if I would be mad if she divorced my dad, and I said yes. I need them to stay together because I need them to take care of each other. They can be so good together. My brothers and I are pretty grown up now. A divorce would hurt me a lot, but I think I would be mostly worried about my parents…growing old…alone. I really hate these thoughts.

Actually. For all my talk of feeling grown up, wanting to be grown up…who knows? I feel like a lost little middle schooler again. Who knows how destroyed I would be? I haven’t been letting myself imagine how this would be. I don’t want to go there. I don’t have a great history of not falling apart.

Another feeling came into my mind that I’ve been trying to push away. What is this? Relief?

It disgusts me. Part of me, a small, mutinous, terrible part of me, thinks a divorce would somehow…make coming out for me easier. Why? I guess…I feel like they wouldn’t be perfect parents so I could be pardoned for not being a perfect child. But this hypothetical coming out situation would still involve so much hurt for my parents. Especially if they couldn’t get through it together.

I wish I could talk to my brothers about this. But the thought also scares me, since it makes the situation more real and serious. I hate that our relationship is like this, that an act of reaching out to them would feel like an act of desperation to me.

Hopefully by throwing this all out there I can put it out of my mind for a while. Although I still need to talk to my dad about it argh. This has been a wordvomit entry brought to you by the hope of me getting to sleep at a decent hour tonight.

I told my friend! I told my friend. Itoldmyfriend I toldmyfriend. Breathe damn you, breathe!

It was a little more awkward than I was hoping for, but I’m still very glad I finally did it. Once I mentally slapped myself enough and made myself just say it, “I think I’m gay,” it totally felt like an out of body experience. My mouth was on autopilot and my mind was…I don’t know…I felt like I was completely absorbed in watching her, trying to gauge her reaction.

She was surprised but supportive. I kind of got the feeling that she’s not convinced of how I feel. Or that she’s not convinced that I know how I feel. When I talked about my lifelong disinterest in guys she said something like ‘sometimes people just haven’t met the right person.’ I don’t think I was communicating myself that well. It was still hard for me to talk about my feelings. It always has been. So I think I understand where she’s coming from, but I think she just needs time to get used to it.

I haven’t felt an immediate weight off my chest feeling, but I feel way less tense. Seriously. Like all of today and last night I’d been freaking out and worried and I couldn’t fall asleep until about 4am.

Anyways…*inward celebratory whooping*

Sky hasn’t fallen.

I’m going to be okay πŸ™‚

I watched the movie “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” with my family tonight. It was kind of awkward…and I guess revealing in a way. When the son was tapdancing and acting all effeminate my mom asked “How can the son be gay when his dad is straight?” I laughed a little and asked her where gay people came from then. She said from having two moms. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if my parents ever suspect me of being a lesbian. I get self-conscious even. Do I look like a lesbian? My posture? The way I walk? From what my mom said, I’m thinking they have no idea.

Then the part came where Jessica Biel is in her underwear. I think she is very pretty, but I’m not really attracted to her. My mom started saying that she doesn’t find Jessica Biel attractive. Then to illustrate her point she rewound the part. And we watched it again. I was kind of LOLing inside at the irony of the situation. Of my mom condemning gayness yet now, if I was attracted to Jessica Biel, well it would help me to ogle. (haha, dad..he was like ‘wait rewind it again?’) Then my aunt had enough of the gayness and was like ‘why are you even looking at her? Girls aren’t supposed to do that.’ Correct me if I’m wrong, but straight girls look too, right? I mean looking doesn’t necessarily mean you’re attracted. Like, “oh, she has a nice body.” Or, “my, what interesting wall coverings you have.”

Sometimes I wonder if my aunt is gay. People say that some of the most vehement homophobes are closeted themselves. I’ve never known her to have any boyfriends and she’s not really looking for love. Maybe she’s got really high standards or maybe she doesn’t feel a spark with guys. Just sometimes I think…the lady doth protesteth too much.

Anyways, here’s the kicker. My mom says, “Don’t you know i’m half lesbian? I used to have crushes on girls when I was in school.” I don’t know…I wasn’t that surprised. She’d told me before that she had little fixations on pretty and nice girls where she wished she was their friend or she wished she could be like them. I think she just got standard “girl-crushes.” I could be wrong of course, maybe she really is bi. But just…judging from intolerant or ignorant things she’s said, I think she is straight.

If she is bi, I think it might make it even harder for her to accept me if/when I come out to her. She might think that she knows how I feel, and that I could just choose to love a guy and suppress attractions to girls. If she is straight, well, it’s still pretty tough. She could dismiss same-sex attractions as just admiring other girls.

I’ve been feeling so much negativity regarding gay marriage (and homosexuality in general) today. This morning some neighbors-I think they’re Mormons, came by my house and wanted to talk to my mom about Prop 8. They went outside to talk but I listened in… My mom was saying that “she’s all for giving people rights but you have to draw the line somewhere.” This kind of hurt me, but it also made me angry. I hate this “us vs. them” mentality. LGBT people are everywhere and all kinds of things; sexual orientation is just one aspect of a person’s identity. It shouldn’t matter so much to people and it shouldn’t be used to divide and dehumanize.

Another thing about what my mom said… I’m sure lots of people felt that way when blacks and women were given the right to vote, or when the ban on inter-racial marriage was deemed unconstitutional. My mom makes me so angry sometimes…she is unapologetically racist and sometimes religiously prejudiced too but I think I (and a decade or so of living in CA) have helped make her more open minded. I keep trying to tell her that prejudice is just never okay.

I guess the reason I brought up the fact that the people going door to door were Mormons is because my mom has said that she doesn’t like Mormons. She said that “they only help their own” because at one of her past jobs Mormon people kept unfairly promoting and helping out other Mormons. But hey, she can get all chummy with them to diss gay people. I guess my point is that people can find things in common with everyone. How beautiful is that? All kinds of people can dislike gays, or Mexicans, or people who eat rice with ketchup, or puppies, in harmony! In all seriousness though, this is why I find prejudice so ridiculous. How can you hate people before you even get to know them?

Later, when I was watching the Olympics with my family, this commercial came on (only it just ended with the “what if you couldn’t marry the person you love?” shot). My aunt remarked that the commercial was “so annoying,” and I asked why, because I hadn’t seen it before. She just said “because it’s for gay marriage”. Which kind of annoyed me. Because so what? The way she responded to it just felt like maybe the commercial made her question her anti-gay stance a little. Maybe it intrigued her and after finding out that it was for gay marriage rights she felt betrayed. My aunt is like my mom, but more prejudiced (I try to convert her to open-mindedness too, man it’s tough being me =P).

During dinner my mom brought up Prop 8 and they (my mom, dad, and aunt) all started agreeing with each other how gay marriage will degrade society’s morality. I just kept quiet this time because I was getting kind of weary of thinking about it literally all day (I tend to dwell on stuff). My mom pointed out that I supported gay marriage and tried to joke that it was because I’m gay. I gotta say, my heart jumped a little at that. I didn’t deny it though, I just kept eating and watching TV.

I want to debate homosexuality with them in earnest. I have talked about it a few times but I always try to be all nonchalant. I’m afraid of debating it at length and in detail because I think they will suspect me of being gay.

I almost came out to my best friend today. I was so nervous the whole day, but I never really knew when to say it. We hung out with some guy friends then later watched TV at her house. We didn’t have a lot of time alone though, ’cause her mom came home soon after we did.

I’ve also been wondering if I should tell her I’m bi or a lesbian. I’m really still as confused as ever. Some days I feel completely gay, some days I don’t want to think about relationships *at all*, some days I even feel straight. Then I thought, why don’t I just tell her just that, all that I’ve been feeling? That I might be bi, I might be gay, that I’m still confused. I don’t know why I have such a hard time saying what’s really on my mind. A lot of times I don’t say exactly what I’m thinking, I say some pre-crafted answer that I think will fit in better with what people want to hear. I’m trying to stop this pattern, but it’s kind of complicated because a lot of times I have trouble explaining my thoughts, so I guess I’m afraid of fumbling around with words when I could just give an easy, not-quite-right answer.

I do trust my friend. I think she would be very understanding. I guess the right time won’t come and I’ve just got to do it before I chicken out. I want to tell her before we both leave for college. The next time we hang out alone, I’ll try again. Just..”Hey, I’ve got something to tell you..”