Friends


What is home? If it’s where the heart is, well, I love lots of people. And they’re spread out all over the place.

I remember my old Psych. teacher saying that when you leave home, you generally get homesick after the first three days, then after the first three weeks, then after the first three months. I don’t know if I’ve felt homesick. Maybe it’s because I’ve gone home a few times, or because I know I can go home if I want to. I do miss my parents and friends a lot sometimes. Is that what homesickness is?

The other day there was a fire in my building. The alarms went off at around 3 am and everyone had to stay out in the cold for almost an hour. When I got up I was groggy and annoyed, but also kind of scared, and I didn’t think to take anything with me. I heard people saying they’d smelled smoke, and I started to worry. After waiting 45 minutes with no news, they herded us into some common rooms. I really started to worry. I thought we would stay there the rest of the night, and that the whole building would be gone or something. The only thing I really cared about in my room was my hard drive. Music and video files would be a pain to replace, but my pictures. Most of them are not backed up. Vacation photos, family photos, photos with friends, pretentious self-portraits, all would be lost if that hard drive was lost. Anyway, We were allowed back into our rooms a short while later. The fire was only in the basement. They think some dumbass threw a cigarette down the trash chute.

This made me think about how computers can sort of be home. I can e-mail my mom, stay connected to friends, listen to the same music I listened to back home, lol at the same websites I loled at back home. It’s sort of unhealthy how much I feel I need the computer/internet, but it connects me to home, whatever it is.

My heart goes out to everyone whose homes have been damaged in the CA fires. I know I’m very lucky that I’ve never been affected by a natural disaster like this. I can’t imagine how devastating that must be, and I’ll be praying for them as they rebuild.

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I’ve been in a kind of quirky/creative mood lately, which is loads better than stressed out/anxious, but I really need to force myself to study and get serious. Last night/afternoon I drew pictures. For seven hours. Sometimes I wonder if I should study art. I always feel self-conscious about taking pictures/drawing because I love other people’s work so much I can’t even compare…but when I get creative it’s sort of the only time I can really focus on something. I mean…seven hours. I feel proud of my drawings but I lament that time lost because I still have so much schoolwork I should be doing.

On Thursday at my school there was a rally protesting prop 8. I really wanted to go but I was busy the whole day finishing a group project. Like, crazy busy. I ate lunch at two and barely had time to go to the bathroom all day :P. Bad luck.

Anyway, because of that group project I got to talk more with some people in my class, and they’re pretty cool. One girl I even sort of have a crush on. Dammit. I feel silly because this is sort of the first crush I’ve acknowledged and I don’t know how to feel. Like, I don’t want to fuel the crush by thinking about her. I’m pretty sure she’s straight with a boyfriend so I don’t want to crush on her, but in any case I want to be better friends with her because she’s so nice and funny. She even sort of invited me to go to a gay bar with her and her friends (some of her hall mates are gay guys). She said she’d call me some time. I was so happy. But I’m freaking 17. For another 7 months. DAMMIT.

I’ve kind of been putting off writing…but there’s lots I’ve wanted to write about. I’ve been really busy with school, though. I got dropped from my Psych class because I missed one of the discussions; I got the time mixed up with my other class and it was so, so stupid. The professor made me drop it or else I would be failed. It’s part of the college policy, and I think they usually don’t enforce it, but for this class there was a long wait list. Because of that, because of that one stupid mix-up, I had to add another class, Religious Studies, three weeks into instruction. The class is pretty interesting, and I like the professor a lot better; he’s really funny during lectures. But having to catch up really sucks.

Being so busy means I don’t really have time to worry about not making friends. I’m not really angsty about it anymore, and I’ve realized that even though I wish I had a group of friends like the other kids in the hall, I don’t necessarily want that group of friends. I think they’re kind of obnoxious/rude because sometimes they’re really loud at night. I used to think that I didn’t have high standards for friendship, or that I liked most everyone, but I think I’m just really big on respect. When people act disrespectfully around me I pretty much instantly dislike them.

I have a class with the guy across the hall from me, and I thought we could be friends. He’s kind of awkward and geeky, which isn’t so bad, I’m pretty awkward myself. But when we were talking the other day he called some guys faggots. That pissed me off. It could just be him trying to be cool, but just…aah. It’s not cool at all. So I don’t really want to talk to him anymore. I wish I had any other classes with people in my hall. I really like some of the people in my English class but they live in other buildings and I don’t know how to like…initiate hanging out and they probably have a group of friends anyway.

I’ve been getting to know my roommate more, and we get along really well. But it still feels like…it’s hard to feel closer to her because we don’t have interests in common. We haven’t really hung out other than eating dinner together.

The other day she asked if I had ever had any crushes. I’m so tempted but so scared to come out to her. I was laughing at myself in my head because my response was so awkward. I just said yeah and vaguely described “him” as a really smart and funny guy who used to be in my class. I don’t think my roommate would freak out if I tell her I’m gay, she has said that she used to have a gay guy friend. I’m just scared she’d be iffy because we live together and all.

On a positive note…I got an A- on my first essay. πŸ˜€ woo! (although another one’s due this tuesday 😦 )

I’m bored, and I feel kind of pathetic doing nothing on this Friday night. Welcome week Friday night, no less. Hopefully this isn’t indicative of the type of college experience I’ll be having. I feel pretty pessimistic right now. Maybe it’s just homesickness..

My roommate is pretty nice…she’s a lot like me I think. We have similar personalities but not really any common interests; she moved from China a couple of years ago so she likes Chinese music and tv shows. I think I wish that I had a more outgoing roommate. With the both of us together, it’s just so quiet. With her being shy and quiet like I am, like I’ve been, I feel like it enables me to just keep acting shy and quiet even if I want to change. I feel like most other freshmen go around to events and things with their roommates and my roommate doesn’t really want to go to them, so it’s been hard to make friends. When I’m with other introverted people I think I kind of become the more outgoing one, so I’ve been trying to become better friends with her, but it’s hard to find things to talk about since culturally we’re so different.

Hopefully I don’t sound whiny, but I also kind of wish I was in a different room. It’s not that big of a deal, but my room is all the way at the end of the hall. Like literally the last room. So if I leave my door open to try to be more social and open and whatnot, there’s not a lot of people walking around this way anyway.

This weekend there’s an “orientation for LGBT students and allies”. I don’t know if I want to go. I’ve been chiding myself, like what am I expecting to happen? I don’t feel like I’m ready to tell the three other people I know at this school, or especially my roommate, that I’m gay. So will I just go alone? Going alone to events hasn’t been working out for me, I just feel awkward and self-conscious. Before I started college it was so easy to think I would start coming out when I started school again. What a nice fantasy, right? I just feel like…being gay is just a small part of me so it’s easier to hide it and disregard it than deal with coming out. What am I expecting to happen? I guess…I’d like to make friends. Queer friends. Then I could have similar people to talk to, I guess. But would making queer friends be any easier than making straight friends? Historically, I’ve not been much good at the latter. If I can’t come out to the people I know here, will I be able to identify myself as a lesbian to strangers I want to make friends with? I’m concerned about my roommate finding out, because I really don’t know how she would react. I asked her about religion and she’s not religious, but she seems really sheltered and conservative.

Plus: I’m not even sure if I can go to the queer orientation thing because my parents are coming to see me on that day. I don’t know when exactly, but their visit is probably going to coincide with it.

I’m lonely. It sucks.

I told my friend! I told my friend. Itoldmyfriend I toldmyfriend. Breathe damn you, breathe!

It was a little more awkward than I was hoping for, but I’m still very glad I finally did it. Once I mentally slapped myself enough and made myself just say it, “I think I’m gay,” it totally felt like an out of body experience. My mouth was on autopilot and my mind was…I don’t know…I felt like I was completely absorbed in watching her, trying to gauge her reaction.

She was surprised but supportive. I kind of got the feeling that she’s not convinced of how I feel. Or that she’s not convinced that I know how I feel. When I talked about my lifelong disinterest in guys she said something like ‘sometimes people just haven’t met the right person.’ I don’t think I was communicating myself that well. It was still hard for me to talk about my feelings. It always has been. So I think I understand where she’s coming from, but I think she just needs time to get used to it.

I haven’t felt an immediate weight off my chest feeling, but I feel way less tense. Seriously. Like all of today and last night I’d been freaking out and worried and I couldn’t fall asleep until about 4am.

Anyways…*inward celebratory whooping*

Sky hasn’t fallen.

I’m going to be okay πŸ™‚

I almost came out to my best friend today. I was so nervous the whole day, but I never really knew when to say it. We hung out with some guy friends then later watched TV at her house. We didn’t have a lot of time alone though, ’cause her mom came home soon after we did.

I’ve also been wondering if I should tell her I’m bi or a lesbian. I’m really still as confused as ever. Some days I feel completely gay, some days I don’t want to think about relationships *at all*, some days I even feel straight. Then I thought, why don’t I just tell her just that, all that I’ve been feeling? That I might be bi, I might be gay, that I’m still confused. I don’t know why I have such a hard time saying what’s really on my mind. A lot of times I don’t say exactly what I’m thinking, I say some pre-crafted answer that I think will fit in better with what people want to hear. I’m trying to stop this pattern, but it’s kind of complicated because a lot of times I have trouble explaining my thoughts, so I guess I’m afraid of fumbling around with words when I could just give an easy, not-quite-right answer.

I do trust my friend. I think she would be very understanding. I guess the right time won’t come and I’ve just got to do it before I chicken out. I want to tell her before we both leave for college. The next time we hang out alone, I’ll try again. Just..”Hey, I’ve got something to tell you..”

I just went to my college orientation. It was pretty fun and I’m excited for the school year, but I hope that my expectations aren’t too high. I guess I’m expecting that I’ll be able to finally “come out of my shell.” I kind of hate that phrase now; it’s so hackneyed and it applies so often to me. Being self-conscious isn’t all of my problem, though. I like being with people and being friendly. I genuinely want to make friends to support and connect with. But it tires me out so much that after a while I feel like I can’t keep a conversation going.

College…I think it can be all that I want it to be. I just hope that I can finally…I don’t know. Stop wasting my energy deliberating and start thinking out loud or something.

Also, I really, really want…to get a girlfriend. God, I feel so silly. I walked by the LGBT table but was too chicken shit to go up and talk to them or sign up. The table was at the front so I felt extra nervous, and also a friend of mine from high school was with me. I don’t know if I would have had the courage to do it if she wasn’t there. I like to think so. But this troubles me. For all my talk of wanting to break free and be all..reborn into the awesome person I think I can be, what if nothing changes? I have to stop thinking like this. I have to stop looking back and just keep moving forward. I guess when school starts I’ll try to find an LGBT meeting. Cause I mean…could I get a girlfriend without being out? I at least need to stop clinging frightfully to the back wall, brush the cobwebs out of my face, and inch towards the closet door. This all seems so daunting.

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