Lez Issues


(in which I try to act older than I am)

I do not understand how people can believe they are tolerant of others, and then try to deprive them of rights.

You say that gay people want more than your tolerance, we want your acceptance. But how can this be tolerance if you are trying to keep a group of people in a lower class? Because that’s what this is about: having the right to marry the person you love. What does tolerance mean to you? That you will not stone gay people for our “choices?” That you will not stop us from having relationships? That you will allow us to express love in the privacy of our homes? Forgive me if I’m not falling over myself to praise you for your benevolence. You can’t support bans on gay marriage and say that you live and let live.

Acceptance? Approval? We’re not asking for wedding gifts, and you’re not invited to the party if you’re just deigning to be civil to us.

As it’s always been, and always will be, you’re totally allowed to have the opinion that being gay is wrong and that gay marriage is not equal to straight marriage. Just don’t use those opinions to control the lives of others.

I don’t speak for all gay people of course, but…

-We’re not doing this to piss you off or be different.

-We don’t need your approval, we just want equal status

-For god’s sake, it’s not a freaking choice.

I’ve been in a kind of quirky/creative mood lately, which is loads better than stressed out/anxious, but I really need to force myself to study and get serious. Last night/afternoon I drew pictures. For seven hours. Sometimes I wonder if I should study art. I always feel self-conscious about taking pictures/drawing because I love other people’s work so much I can’t even compare…but when I get creative it’s sort of the only time I can really focus on something. I mean…seven hours. I feel proud of my drawings but I lament that time lost because I still have so much schoolwork I should be doing.

On Thursday at my school there was a rally protesting prop 8. I really wanted to go but I was busy the whole day finishing a group project. Like, crazy busy. I ate lunch at two and barely had time to go to the bathroom all day :P. Bad luck.

Anyway, because of that group project I got to talk more with some people in my class, and they’re pretty cool. One girl I even sort of have a crush on. Dammit. I feel silly because this is sort of the first crush I’ve acknowledged and I don’t know how to feel. Like, I don’t want to fuel the crush by thinking about her. I’m pretty sure she’s straight with a boyfriend so I don’t want to crush on her, but in any case I want to be better friends with her because she’s so nice and funny. She even sort of invited me to go to a gay bar with her and her friends (some of her hall mates are gay guys). She said she’d call me some time. I was so happy. But I’m freaking 17. For another 7 months. DAMMIT.

The passing of Prop 8 has incited so many emotions in LGBT people and supporters. For me there was disbelief, then I was pissed the fuck off, then depressed. But now I’m hopeful. People are being more vocal than ever about their support of LGBT people, and even though equality was rescinded last week, I think we can definitely get there again in a few years.

As much as I support the continued efforts of protesting prop 8, I worry that some may go too far. There is still so much anger over this, and as much as it may be righteous anger, it can be dangerous when combined with a huge group of people who agree with you. Please don’t take it too far by protesting inside churches and temples, or stopping people from entering them. This is a serious affront to churchgoers and it will not do anything to make them understand our cause. We need to take the high road.

I don’t want to write about rage, but I have certainly felt it this past week. I felt it most when the girl I am dating — who has never dated a girl before — collapsed in her car and cried after the Prop 8 rally. She wondered aloud if we wouldn’t make more progress by just crying rather than yelling and being angry. I’ve wondered this a lot myself. Is it in part our anger and our frustration that adds to their anger and judgment? -Tegan Quin

We can’t fight hate with hate. Don’t give them fuel to preach about how immoral we are. We need to show them how human we are, and how it’s all about love.

I went home last weekend and it was a bit jarring to suddenly see political signs up everywhere. Especially the pro-prop 8 signs. I guess Orange County really is conservative. I thought that it wouldn’t be because there are wealthier communities and wealthy tends to =more liberal, godless, elite, gotcha, media? IDK. I really dk.

Anyway, I was walking with my aunt and she noticed me burning a hole through my neighbor’s Yes on 8 sign. with my eyes. She started saying how she really hopes it passes, before she remembered that I had voiced my opposition to it before. I told her I really did not see anything wrong with gay marriage, and she said “Oh, just you wait. If they get this, they’re gonna want something else.” I was kind of speechless. It was like that saying “If gay and lesbian people get civil rights, everyone will want them.” Except she was completely serious. I asked her to clarify what exactly “they” will want next. She said she didn’t know. It hurt me how she seemed to be dehumanizing gay people, consciously relegating them(us) to a class that shouldn’t have the same rights. I asked her if she knew any gay people, and she said she had a guy friend who was, but he wasn’t a very close friend and he didn’t act gay. She said she liked him, but she seemed embarrassed to be admitting that she knew a gay guy. I told her that gay people are just like everybody else, and probably most of them don’t even “act gay”. Not that there’s even anything wrong with acting gay, but I didn’t think she’d understand that if she thinks being gay is a choice.

Later we saw a tv ad saying how Obama is against prop 8, and she said that she wouldn’t vote for him anymore. It surprised me, but I guess, what did I expect? She said that gay marriage is the most important issue for her.

I told my mom about what she said, and my mom said that she couldn’t vote anyway. This made me feel bad, because I had forgotten that she wasn’t a citizen, so it was maybe insensitive of me to assume she could vote.

So yeah…I’m really worried that prop 8 will pass. I think that because the no on 8 side got a lot of their funds a lot later than the pro-8 side, they were less able to reach out to voters, especially the people who sent in absentee ballots early. I think our side was too optimistic or maybe complacent; I know I was. Ahhhh, don’t let me down, California.

I’ve kind of been putting off writing…but there’s lots I’ve wanted to write about. I’ve been really busy with school, though. I got dropped from my Psych class because I missed one of the discussions; I got the time mixed up with my other class and it was so, so stupid. The professor made me drop it or else I would be failed. It’s part of the college policy, and I think they usually don’t enforce it, but for this class there was a long wait list. Because of that, because of that one stupid mix-up, I had to add another class, Religious Studies, three weeks into instruction. The class is pretty interesting, and I like the professor a lot better; he’s really funny during lectures. But having to catch up really sucks.

Being so busy means I don’t really have time to worry about not making friends. I’m not really angsty about it anymore, and I’ve realized that even though I wish I had a group of friends like the other kids in the hall, I don’t necessarily want that group of friends. I think they’re kind of obnoxious/rude because sometimes they’re really loud at night. I used to think that I didn’t have high standards for friendship, or that I liked most everyone, but I think I’m just really big on respect. When people act disrespectfully around me I pretty much instantly dislike them.

I have a class with the guy across the hall from me, and I thought we could be friends. He’s kind of awkward and geeky, which isn’t so bad, I’m pretty awkward myself. But when we were talking the other day he called some guys faggots. That pissed me off. It could just be him trying to be cool, but just…aah. It’s not cool at all. So I don’t really want to talk to him anymore. I wish I had any other classes with people in my hall. I really like some of the people in my English class but they live in other buildings and I don’t know how to like…initiate hanging out and they probably have a group of friends anyway.

I’ve been getting to know my roommate more, and we get along really well. But it still feels like…it’s hard to feel closer to her because we don’t have interests in common. We haven’t really hung out other than eating dinner together.

The other day she asked if I had ever had any crushes. I’m so tempted but so scared to come out to her. I was laughing at myself in my head because my response was so awkward. I just said yeah and vaguely described “him” as a really smart and funny guy who used to be in my class. I don’t think my roommate would freak out if I tell her I’m gay, she has said that she used to have a gay guy friend. I’m just scared she’d be iffy because we live together and all.

On a positive note…I got an A- on my first essay. ๐Ÿ˜€ woo! (although another one’s due this tuesday ๐Ÿ˜ฆ )

I’m bored, and I feel kind of pathetic doing nothing on this Friday night. Welcome week Friday night, no less. Hopefully this isn’t indicative of the type of college experience I’ll be having. I feel pretty pessimistic right now. Maybe it’s just homesickness..

My roommate is pretty nice…she’s a lot like me I think. We have similar personalities but not really any common interests; she moved from China a couple of years ago so she likes Chinese music and tv shows. I think I wish that I had a more outgoing roommate. With the both of us together, it’s just so quiet. With her being shy and quiet like I am, like I’ve been, I feel like it enables me to just keep acting shy and quiet even if I want to change. I feel like most other freshmen go around to events and things with their roommates and my roommate doesn’t really want to go to them, so it’s been hard to make friends. When I’m with other introverted people I think I kind of become the more outgoing one, so I’ve been trying to become better friends with her, but it’s hard to find things to talk about since culturally we’re so different.

Hopefully I don’t sound whiny, but I also kind of wish I was in a different room. It’s not that big of a deal, but my room is all the way at the end of the hall. Like literally the last room. So if I leave my door open to try to be more social and open and whatnot, there’s not a lot of people walking around this way anyway.

This weekend there’s an “orientation for LGBT students and allies”. I don’t know if I want to go. I’ve been chiding myself, like what am I expecting to happen? I don’t feel like I’m ready to tell the three other people I know at this school, or especially my roommate, that I’m gay. So will I just go alone? Going alone to events hasn’t been working out for me, I just feel awkward and self-conscious. Before I started college it was so easy to think I would start coming out when I started school again. What a nice fantasy, right? I just feel like…being gay is just a small part of me so it’s easier to hide it and disregard it than deal with coming out. What am I expecting to happen? I guess…I’d like to make friends. Queer friends. Then I could have similar people to talk to, I guess. But would making queer friends be any easier than making straight friends? Historically, I’ve not been much good at the latter. If I can’t come out to the people I know here, will I be able to identify myself as a lesbian to strangers I want to make friends with? I’m concerned about my roommate finding out, because I really don’t know how she would react. I asked her about religion and she’s not religious, but she seems really sheltered and conservative.

Plus: I’m not even sure if I can go to the queer orientation thing because my parents are coming to see me on that day. I don’t know when exactly, but their visit is probably going to coincide with it.

I’m lonely. It sucks.

My parents are sort of fighting right now. Well, my mom is really angry at my dad. She’s been talking to me about how she hates when he hangs out with his co-workers on Sat. nights because she feels like she’s not an important enough part of his life, like they don’t spend enough time together. I suggested that she go with him to their get-togethers but she says she wouldn’t be comfortable because she doesn’t like Filipinos (my parents grew up in the Philippines…and I guess my mom doesn’t like the culture). She told me what she said to him the other night when she found out he was going to another party tonight. I thought it was overly mean and insulting to him and his friends. I really sympathize with her, and I feel bad for her. I think it was wrong of my dad to not tell her about the party until I brought up that I wanted to hang out with my friends that night. But I don’t think she should have said what she did; I think she just should have told him that she misses him and wants to spend more time with him.

I think I feel partly responsible. Before that fight my mom was telling me how she has a problem saying how she feels when people do things that bug her. She sort of joked that she wanted me to be her psychologist. I liked the idea…I mean this is what I wanted, right? For our relationship to progress where she could seek help from me and value my opinions. So I told her that she should tell my dad how she feels because by sharing her feelings she would need to trust him and show herself to be vulnerable. Through this their relationship could be strengthened. (Although I probably didn’t say it so clearly :/)

When I was in middle school my parents were angry with each other for a while. I think it was sort of the same situation, where my mom was annoyed with something my dad kept doing, and he was getting weary of her nagging(sorry mom, but you can be pretty harsh). I could see their frustration, especially my mom’s. One day she took me aside and told me that someday she was going to divorce my dad. I’m still kind of mad at her about this. I mean…isn’t the point of “staying together for the kids” that you don’t want to involve them in your relationship troubles? Why was she telling me that? Middle school doesn’t suck hard enough? It really bothered me. I felt like they were going to break up soon and everything would change and I hated for my family to change and I hated thinking about it. Eventually my parents made up. My mom started having some shoulder and back problems, and my dad takes good care of her, so she said that she appreciates that and sees how much he loves her.

This time around, I don’t know…I really hope that they make up soon. I was talking to my mom this morning and she told me again that she wants to divorce my dad. That hurt, again. I’ve been dealing with a lot of change since middle school, but instead of strengthening me, it almost feels like it’s all breaking me down. Can’t anything stay constant? Be the way I want it to? I’ve just been trying to be really nice and engaging and accommodating to my mom, trying to keep her happy. I think I have to talk to my dad about this. I wouldn’t mention divorce at all, I think that would seriously hurt him and I would probably just fuck it all up. But maybe I should “ground” him and force him to go on dates with my mom. They’ve never been into sentimental relationship stuff, they don’t even really celebrate their anniversaries. Maybe I should make them start.

I really don’t want to think that my mom is serious about this. She asked me if I would be mad if she divorced my dad, and I said yes. I need them to stay together because I need them to take care of each other. They can be so good together. My brothers and I are pretty grown up now. A divorce would hurt me a lot, but I think I would be mostly worried about my parents…growing old…alone. I really hate these thoughts.

Actually. For all my talk of feeling grown up, wanting to be grown up…who knows? I feel like a lost little middle schooler again. Who knows how destroyed I would be? I haven’t been letting myself imagine how this would be. I don’t want to go there. I don’t have a great history of not falling apart.

Another feeling came into my mind that I’ve been trying to push away. What is this? Relief?

It disgusts me. Part of me, a small, mutinous, terrible part of me, thinks a divorce would somehow…make coming out for me easier. Why? I guess…I feel like they wouldn’t be perfect parents so I could be pardoned for not being a perfect child. But this hypothetical coming out situation would still involve so much hurt for my parents. Especially if they couldn’t get through it together.

I wish I could talk to my brothers about this. But the thought also scares me, since it makes the situation more real and serious. I hate that our relationship is like this, that an act of reaching out to them would feel like an act of desperation to me.

Hopefully by throwing this all out there I can put it out of my mind for a while. Although I still need to talk to my dad about it argh. This has been a wordvomit entry brought to you by the hope of me getting to sleep at a decent hour tonight.

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