I told my friend! I told my friend. Itoldmyfriend I toldmyfriend. Breathe damn you, breathe!

It was a little more awkward than I was hoping for, but I’m still very glad I finally did it. Once I mentally slapped myself enough and made myself just say it, “I think I’m gay,” it totally felt like an out of body experience. My mouth was on autopilot and my mind was…I don’t know…I felt like I was completely absorbed in watching her, trying to gauge her reaction.

She was surprised but supportive. I kind of got the feeling that she’s not convinced of how I feel. Or that she’s not convinced that I know how I feel. When I talked about my lifelong disinterest in guys she said something like ‘sometimes people just haven’t met the right person.’ I don’t think I was communicating myself that well. It was still hard for me to talk about my feelings. It always has been. So I think I understand where she’s coming from, but I think she just needs time to get used to it.

I haven’t felt an immediate weight off my chest feeling, but I feel way less tense. Seriously. Like all of today and last night I’d been freaking out and worried and I couldn’t fall asleep until about 4am.

Anyways…*inward celebratory whooping*

Sky hasn’t fallen.

I’m going to be okay 🙂


I watched the movie “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” with my family tonight. It was kind of awkward…and I guess revealing in a way. When the son was tapdancing and acting all effeminate my mom asked “How can the son be gay when his dad is straight?” I laughed a little and asked her where gay people came from then. She said from having two moms. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if my parents ever suspect me of being a lesbian. I get self-conscious even. Do I look like a lesbian? My posture? The way I walk? From what my mom said, I’m thinking they have no idea.

Then the part came where Jessica Biel is in her underwear. I think she is very pretty, but I’m not really attracted to her. My mom started saying that she doesn’t find Jessica Biel attractive. Then to illustrate her point she rewound the part. And we watched it again. I was kind of LOLing inside at the irony of the situation. Of my mom condemning gayness yet now, if I was attracted to Jessica Biel, well it would help me to ogle. (haha, dad..he was like ‘wait rewind it again?’) Then my aunt had enough of the gayness and was like ‘why are you even looking at her? Girls aren’t supposed to do that.’ Correct me if I’m wrong, but straight girls look too, right? I mean looking doesn’t necessarily mean you’re attracted. Like, “oh, she has a nice body.” Or, “my, what interesting wall coverings you have.”

Sometimes I wonder if my aunt is gay. People say that some of the most vehement homophobes are closeted themselves. I’ve never known her to have any boyfriends and she’s not really looking for love. Maybe she’s got really high standards or maybe she doesn’t feel a spark with guys. Just sometimes I think…the lady doth protesteth too much.

Anyways, here’s the kicker. My mom says, “Don’t you know i’m half lesbian? I used to have crushes on girls when I was in school.” I don’t know…I wasn’t that surprised. She’d told me before that she had little fixations on pretty and nice girls where she wished she was their friend or she wished she could be like them. I think she just got standard “girl-crushes.” I could be wrong of course, maybe she really is bi. But just…judging from intolerant or ignorant things she’s said, I think she is straight.

If she is bi, I think it might make it even harder for her to accept me if/when I come out to her. She might think that she knows how I feel, and that I could just choose to love a guy and suppress attractions to girls. If she is straight, well, it’s still pretty tough. She could dismiss same-sex attractions as just admiring other girls.

I’ve been feeling so much negativity regarding gay marriage (and homosexuality in general) today. This morning some neighbors-I think they’re Mormons, came by my house and wanted to talk to my mom about Prop 8. They went outside to talk but I listened in… My mom was saying that “she’s all for giving people rights but you have to draw the line somewhere.” This kind of hurt me, but it also made me angry. I hate this “us vs. them” mentality. LGBT people are everywhere and all kinds of things; sexual orientation is just one aspect of a person’s identity. It shouldn’t matter so much to people and it shouldn’t be used to divide and dehumanize.

Another thing about what my mom said… I’m sure lots of people felt that way when blacks and women were given the right to vote, or when the ban on inter-racial marriage was deemed unconstitutional. My mom makes me so angry sometimes…she is unapologetically racist and sometimes religiously prejudiced too but I think I (and a decade or so of living in CA) have helped make her more open minded. I keep trying to tell her that prejudice is just never okay.

I guess the reason I brought up the fact that the people going door to door were Mormons is because my mom has said that she doesn’t like Mormons. She said that “they only help their own” because at one of her past jobs Mormon people kept unfairly promoting and helping out other Mormons. But hey, she can get all chummy with them to diss gay people. I guess my point is that people can find things in common with everyone. How beautiful is that? All kinds of people can dislike gays, or Mexicans, or people who eat rice with ketchup, or puppies, in harmony! In all seriousness though, this is why I find prejudice so ridiculous. How can you hate people before you even get to know them?

Later, when I was watching the Olympics with my family, this commercial came on (only it just ended with the “what if you couldn’t marry the person you love?” shot). My aunt remarked that the commercial was “so annoying,” and I asked why, because I hadn’t seen it before. She just said “because it’s for gay marriage”. Which kind of annoyed me. Because so what? The way she responded to it just felt like maybe the commercial made her question her anti-gay stance a little. Maybe it intrigued her and after finding out that it was for gay marriage rights she felt betrayed. My aunt is like my mom, but more prejudiced (I try to convert her to open-mindedness too, man it’s tough being me =P).

During dinner my mom brought up Prop 8 and they (my mom, dad, and aunt) all started agreeing with each other how gay marriage will degrade society’s morality. I just kept quiet this time because I was getting kind of weary of thinking about it literally all day (I tend to dwell on stuff). My mom pointed out that I supported gay marriage and tried to joke that it was because I’m gay. I gotta say, my heart jumped a little at that. I didn’t deny it though, I just kept eating and watching TV.

I want to debate homosexuality with them in earnest. I have talked about it a few times but I always try to be all nonchalant. I’m afraid of debating it at length and in detail because I think they will suspect me of being gay.

I almost came out to my best friend today. I was so nervous the whole day, but I never really knew when to say it. We hung out with some guy friends then later watched TV at her house. We didn’t have a lot of time alone though, ’cause her mom came home soon after we did.

I’ve also been wondering if I should tell her I’m bi or a lesbian. I’m really still as confused as ever. Some days I feel completely gay, some days I don’t want to think about relationships *at all*, some days I even feel straight. Then I thought, why don’t I just tell her just that, all that I’ve been feeling? That I might be bi, I might be gay, that I’m still confused. I don’t know why I have such a hard time saying what’s really on my mind. A lot of times I don’t say exactly what I’m thinking, I say some pre-crafted answer that I think will fit in better with what people want to hear. I’m trying to stop this pattern, but it’s kind of complicated because a lot of times I have trouble explaining my thoughts, so I guess I’m afraid of fumbling around with words when I could just give an easy, not-quite-right answer.

I do trust my friend. I think she would be very understanding. I guess the right time won’t come and I’ve just got to do it before I chicken out. I want to tell her before we both leave for college. The next time we hang out alone, I’ll try again. Just..”Hey, I’ve got something to tell you..”

On the trip my mom and I visited with relatives and friends, some of whom my mom hadn’t seen in almost twenty years. This made her nostalgic but she also started talking about what things are going to be like in another twenty years, when I have my own daughter. She also lamented that one of my cousins is still single and in her mid-thirties, and told me how worried she would be if I ended up the same way. And just like that, just when I’d started to think that everything can be alright, all of my anxiety came back.

Our mother-daughter relationship would never be the same. I think in the future I may get the courage and strength to come out and endure a short ostracizing. But I feel like I so need their approval and love…I don’t know how long it would take for them to accept me. I fear that they wouldn’t love me as much, I guess. Most of all, I think I fear for what it would do to them. My parents are worriers. They think that my views and actions are their responsibility. So i’m worried about what the stress of this would do to them. They’re already feeling the bodily effects of getting older.

The next morning we went to a church and lit prayer candles (it was a very pretty and ornate church, but I don’t remember the name of it). I sort of surprised myself. After all that renewed anxiety about myself probably being a lesbian, I did not pray to turn straight. I guess I didn’t really think it would work, but more than that, wishing to be different felt wrong. I prayed to kick ass academically in college, to figure myself out, and to find acceptance and love.

I think dreams are fascinating. I’ve had some terrifying or downright depressing dreams, but I’ve also had the most wonderful, life-affirming dreams. When you dream you can experience such pure emotions. When your imagination really lets loose you can have the most bizarrely entertaining or kickass experiences.

A couple of months, almost a year ago, I was in a very depressed mood. I was just feeling so blank and tired all of the time. But one night I had a really amazing dream where I felt like God was talking to me. I don’t remember what exactly was said, but I was like given instructions and I followed them even though I didn’t really see the point to them (it was strange, it involved dancing on a log ^^;). It was a short experience, but vivid. I felt soft, cool, lightness envelop me and I felt so loved. Like everything was going to be okay. This was big a comfort to me and helped me out of my isolation. I just really appreciated how God seemed to come through for me when I really needed it.

I’ve been reading a little about lgbt people’s experiences, and it’s interesting to me how some people didn’t really know they were gay for a long time, sometimes after marriage and having kids. Looking back on my own experiences, I can sort of see why that would be. I think there were crushes on girls that I’ve had but just sort of put out of my mind. It was there but I didn’t really acknowledge it or think about what it was. If it weren’t for some dreams that I’ve had, maybe I would be one of those people who don’t realize they’re gay until later in life.

At first, it was very disconcerting. Often in my dreams I’m not physically myself. My POV switches around a lot or I’m like…some other character or person. But I started having dreams where I was a guy, and I would make out (or go further) with a girl. These experiences were like…hazy, but I had this idea of what was going on. During the dream I would feel really uncomfortable and kind of sick, but for some reason I’d keep going. I was so confused when I would wake up. Did I want to be a guy? I didn’t think so…it felt so wrong but why did it keep happening? I think that because I still felt like homosexuality was wrong my subconscious was sort of trying to reconcile my attraction with those beliefs. Sort of like I thought that I could make out with girls if I was a guy.

After I started considering the idea that I liked girls, I had some dreams where I was myself and would flirt and be affectionate with girls. I stopped having dreams where I was a guy. These new dreams were very nice, but sadly don’t happen very often.

I’m writing about this now because I had another one of these dreams last night. But it was much too short :P. I was in like a car, maybe a cab, and a girl was sitting next to me. She smiled and we kissed…it was all so sweet and tender. She was so soft. In all of those other dreams I’ve had it’s been sort of hazy, but this was so vivid. When I woke up I could still feel those lips on mine. I felt like I was falling in love. This is why I love dreams so much…how special it is to be able to feel love like that even when it’s not been in your waking life. You can trigger lust with porn, but you can’t really replicate love. Agh. I’m a bit (romantic)love-starved I guess.

I feel like I haven’t experienced a whole lot. I guess I’m young though, so there’s plenty of time. Dreams give me a taste of what is out there, and I’m excited to experience these things.

To whoever reads this, please share your favorite dreams :]

I just went to my college orientation. It was pretty fun and I’m excited for the school year, but I hope that my expectations aren’t too high. I guess I’m expecting that I’ll be able to finally “come out of my shell.” I kind of hate that phrase now; it’s so hackneyed and it applies so often to me. Being self-conscious isn’t all of my problem, though. I like being with people and being friendly. I genuinely want to make friends to support and connect with. But it tires me out so much that after a while I feel like I can’t keep a conversation going.

College…I think it can be all that I want it to be. I just hope that I can finally…I don’t know. Stop wasting my energy deliberating and start thinking out loud or something.

Also, I really, really want…to get a girlfriend. God, I feel so silly. I walked by the LGBT table but was too chicken shit to go up and talk to them or sign up. The table was at the front so I felt extra nervous, and also a friend of mine from high school was with me. I don’t know if I would have had the courage to do it if she wasn’t there. I like to think so. But this troubles me. For all my talk of wanting to break free and be all..reborn into the awesome person I think I can be, what if nothing changes? I have to stop thinking like this. I have to stop looking back and just keep moving forward. I guess when school starts I’ll try to find an LGBT meeting. Cause I mean…could I get a girlfriend without being out? I at least need to stop clinging frightfully to the back wall, brush the cobwebs out of my face, and inch towards the closet door. This all seems so daunting.