Tonight I have just been reminded of the terror I feel…when I see a spider. I know it’s irrational, what’s the worst it could do to me? But I just get seriously affected when I see them. I squeal and whimper uncontrollably, hyperventilate, I tremble, and sometimes cry. I just feel paralyzed with fear. I am rather pitiful. If it’s outside, in the wild, I can just keep well away and not look at it, but in my room, on my wall…oh the horrors. I mean, I feel like I just have to kill it, or it will find its way to my bed and crawl into my mouth when I’m sleeping.

A lot of my fear kind of comes from having to kill them. I shudder at the thought of killing anything. I feel bad that they have to die just because I can’t deal…but really..I can’t. deal with them. crawling around and popping out for friendly surprises. When I manage to kill them, when I see them dying and shriveling up is when I start crying.

Tonight there was a spider on my ceiling, one of those thick, quick-crawling bastards. I have yet to find an easy way for myself to kill spiders. Sometimes I spray copious amounts of air freshener on them, sometimes I throw East of Eden at them (I’m sorry book, I love you but your heft comes in handy), tonight I tried to stick a length of tape between two hangers and smother it. Yeah..that didn’t work out so well. I dropped the hangers after I stuck it, so everything just fell on my desk. I have a lot of crap on my desk so I was afraid it would hide somewhere and I would just have to live the next couple of weeks in fear, but it crawled to the edge, jumped, and ended up towards the wall, behind my bookcase. I lost track of it. I’m still worried that it will find its way to my bed since my room is pretty small. I’m actually still in the fetal position right now :/

Tomorrow I will clean my room :/

My future roommate better be fearless about this stuff.