I went home last weekend and it was a bit jarring to suddenly see political signs up everywhere. Especially the pro-prop 8 signs. I guess Orange County really is conservative. I thought that it wouldn’t be because there are wealthier communities and wealthy tends to =more liberal, godless, elite, gotcha, media? IDK. I really dk.

Anyway, I was walking with my aunt and she noticed me burning a hole through my neighbor’s Yes on 8 sign. with my eyes. She started saying how she really hopes it passes, before she remembered that I had voiced my opposition to it before. I told her I really did not see anything wrong with gay marriage, and she said “Oh, just you wait. If they get this, they’re gonna want something else.” I was kind of speechless. It was like that saying “If gay and lesbian people get civil rights, everyone will want them.” Except she was completely serious. I asked her to clarify what exactly “they” will want next. She said she didn’t know. It hurt me how she seemed to be dehumanizing gay people, consciously relegating them(us) to a class that shouldn’t have the same rights. I asked her if she knew any gay people, and she said she had a guy friend who was, but he wasn’t a very close friend and he didn’t act gay. She said she liked him, but she seemed embarrassed to be admitting that she knew a gay guy. I told her that gay people are just like everybody else, and probably most of them don’t even “act gay”. Not that there’s even anything wrong with acting gay, but I didn’t think she’d understand that if she thinks being gay is a choice.

Later we saw a tv ad saying how Obama is against prop 8, and she said that she wouldn’t vote for him anymore. It surprised me, but I guess, what did I expect? She said that gay marriage is the most important issue for her.

I told my mom about what she said, and my mom said that she couldn’t vote anyway. This made me feel bad, because I had forgotten that she wasn’t a citizen, so it was maybe insensitive of me to assume she could vote.

So yeah…I’m really worried that prop 8 will pass. I think that because the no on 8 side got a lot of their funds a lot later than the pro-8 side, they were less able to reach out to voters, especially the people who sent in absentee ballots early. I think our side was too optimistic or maybe complacent; I know I was. Ahhhh, don’t let me down, California.

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My parents are sort of fighting right now. Well, my mom is really angry at my dad. She’s been talking to me about how she hates when he hangs out with his co-workers on Sat. nights because she feels like she’s not an important enough part of his life, like they don’t spend enough time together. I suggested that she go with him to their get-togethers but she says she wouldn’t be comfortable because she doesn’t like Filipinos (my parents grew up in the Philippines…and I guess my mom doesn’t like the culture). She told me what she said to him the other night when she found out he was going to another party tonight. I thought it was overly mean and insulting to him and his friends. I really sympathize with her, and I feel bad for her. I think it was wrong of my dad to not tell her about the party until I brought up that I wanted to hang out with my friends that night. But I don’t think she should have said what she did; I think she just should have told him that she misses him and wants to spend more time with him.

I think I feel partly responsible. Before that fight my mom was telling me how she has a problem saying how she feels when people do things that bug her. She sort of joked that she wanted me to be her psychologist. I liked the idea…I mean this is what I wanted, right? For our relationship to progress where she could seek help from me and value my opinions. So I told her that she should tell my dad how she feels because by sharing her feelings she would need to trust him and show herself to be vulnerable. Through this their relationship could be strengthened. (Although I probably didn’t say it so clearly :/)

When I was in middle school my parents were angry with each other for a while. I think it was sort of the same situation, where my mom was annoyed with something my dad kept doing, and he was getting weary of her nagging(sorry mom, but you can be pretty harsh). I could see their frustration, especially my mom’s. One day she took me aside and told me that someday she was going to divorce my dad. I’m still kind of mad at her about this. I mean…isn’t the point of “staying together for the kids” that you don’t want to involve them in your relationship troubles? Why was she telling me that? Middle school doesn’t suck hard enough? It really bothered me. I felt like they were going to break up soon and everything would change and I hated for my family to change and I hated thinking about it. Eventually my parents made up. My mom started having some shoulder and back problems, and my dad takes good care of her, so she said that she appreciates that and sees how much he loves her.

This time around, I don’t know…I really hope that they make up soon. I was talking to my mom this morning and she told me again that she wants to divorce my dad. That hurt, again. I’ve been dealing with a lot of change since middle school, but instead of strengthening me, it almost feels like it’s all breaking me down. Can’t anything stay constant? Be the way I want it to? I’ve just been trying to be really nice and engaging and accommodating to my mom, trying to keep her happy. I think I have to talk to my dad about this. I wouldn’t mention divorce at all, I think that would seriously hurt him and I would probably just fuck it all up. But maybe I should “ground” him and force him to go on dates with my mom. They’ve never been into sentimental relationship stuff, they don’t even really celebrate their anniversaries. Maybe I should make them start.

I really don’t want to think that my mom is serious about this. She asked me if I would be mad if she divorced my dad, and I said yes. I need them to stay together because I need them to take care of each other. They can be so good together. My brothers and I are pretty grown up now. A divorce would hurt me a lot, but I think I would be mostly worried about my parents…growing old…alone. I really hate these thoughts.

Actually. For all my talk of feeling grown up, wanting to be grown up…who knows? I feel like a lost little middle schooler again. Who knows how destroyed I would be? I haven’t been letting myself imagine how this would be. I don’t want to go there. I don’t have a great history of not falling apart.

Another feeling came into my mind that I’ve been trying to push away. What is this? Relief?

It disgusts me. Part of me, a small, mutinous, terrible part of me, thinks a divorce would somehow…make coming out for me easier. Why? I guess…I feel like they wouldn’t be perfect parents so I could be pardoned for not being a perfect child. But this hypothetical coming out situation would still involve so much hurt for my parents. Especially if they couldn’t get through it together.

I wish I could talk to my brothers about this. But the thought also scares me, since it makes the situation more real and serious. I hate that our relationship is like this, that an act of reaching out to them would feel like an act of desperation to me.

Hopefully by throwing this all out there I can put it out of my mind for a while. Although I still need to talk to my dad about it argh. This has been a wordvomit entry brought to you by the hope of me getting to sleep at a decent hour tonight.