August 2008


I’ve been laughing so hard at the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest.

The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels.

I think my favorite ones are:

The complementary crepuscularities of earth and sky shrank away from one another as the roseate effulgence of a new dawn burst forth, not unlike a reclining pneumatic beauty’s black silk stocking splitting apart at the seam to reveal the glowing radiance of an angrily sun-burned leg.

and

Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to its rightful owner.

I love language. I admire these people for writing with such humor.

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I told my friend! I told my friend. Itoldmyfriend I toldmyfriend. Breathe damn you, breathe!

It was a little more awkward than I was hoping for, but I’m still very glad I finally did it. Once I mentally slapped myself enough and made myself just say it, “I think I’m gay,” it totally felt like an out of body experience. My mouth was on autopilot and my mind was…I don’t know…I felt like I was completely absorbed in watching her, trying to gauge her reaction.

She was surprised but supportive. I kind of got the feeling that she’s not convinced of how I feel. Or that she’s not convinced that I know how I feel. When I talked about my lifelong disinterest in guys she said something like ‘sometimes people just haven’t met the right person.’ I don’t think I was communicating myself that well. It was still hard for me to talk about my feelings. It always has been. So I think I understand where she’s coming from, but I think she just needs time to get used to it.

I haven’t felt an immediate weight off my chest feeling, but I feel way less tense. Seriously. Like all of today and last night I’d been freaking out and worried and I couldn’t fall asleep until about 4am.

Anyways…*inward celebratory whooping*

Sky hasn’t fallen.

I’m going to be okay πŸ™‚

I watched the movie “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” with my family tonight. It was kind of awkward…and I guess revealing in a way. When the son was tapdancing and acting all effeminate my mom asked “How can the son be gay when his dad is straight?” I laughed a little and asked her where gay people came from then. She said from having two moms. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if my parents ever suspect me of being a lesbian. I get self-conscious even. Do I look like a lesbian? My posture? The way I walk? From what my mom said, I’m thinking they have no idea.

Then the part came where Jessica Biel is in her underwear. I think she is very pretty, but I’m not really attracted to her. My mom started saying that she doesn’t find Jessica Biel attractive. Then to illustrate her point she rewound the part. And we watched it again. I was kind of LOLing inside at the irony of the situation. Of my mom condemning gayness yet now, if I was attracted to Jessica Biel, well it would help me to ogle. (haha, dad..he was like ‘wait rewind it again?’) Then my aunt had enough of the gayness and was like ‘why are you even looking at her? Girls aren’t supposed to do that.’ Correct me if I’m wrong, but straight girls look too, right? I mean looking doesn’t necessarily mean you’re attracted. Like, “oh, she has a nice body.” Or, “my, what interesting wall coverings you have.”

Sometimes I wonder if my aunt is gay. People say that some of the most vehement homophobes are closeted themselves. I’ve never known her to have any boyfriends and she’s not really looking for love. Maybe she’s got really high standards or maybe she doesn’t feel a spark with guys. Just sometimes I think…the lady doth protesteth too much.

Anyways, here’s the kicker. My mom says, “Don’t you know i’m half lesbian? I used to have crushes on girls when I was in school.” I don’t know…I wasn’t that surprised. She’d told me before that she had little fixations on pretty and nice girls where she wished she was their friend or she wished she could be like them. I think she just got standard “girl-crushes.” I could be wrong of course, maybe she really is bi. But just…judging from intolerant or ignorant things she’s said, I think she is straight.

If she is bi, I think it might make it even harder for her to accept me if/when I come out to her. She might think that she knows how I feel, and that I could just choose to love a guy and suppress attractions to girls. If she is straight, well, it’s still pretty tough. She could dismiss same-sex attractions as just admiring other girls.

I’ve been feeling so much negativity regarding gay marriage (and homosexuality in general) today. This morning some neighbors-I think they’re Mormons, came by my house and wanted to talk to my mom about Prop 8. They went outside to talk but I listened in… My mom was saying that “she’s all for giving people rights but you have to draw the line somewhere.” This kind of hurt me, but it also made me angry. I hate this “us vs. them” mentality. LGBT people are everywhere and all kinds of things; sexual orientation is just one aspect of a person’s identity. It shouldn’t matter so much to people and it shouldn’t be used to divide and dehumanize.

Another thing about what my mom said… I’m sure lots of people felt that way when blacks and women were given the right to vote, or when the ban on inter-racial marriage was deemed unconstitutional. My mom makes me so angry sometimes…she is unapologetically racist and sometimes religiously prejudiced too but I think I (and a decade or so of living in CA) have helped make her more open minded. I keep trying to tell her that prejudice is just never okay.

I guess the reason I brought up the fact that the people going door to door were Mormons is because my mom has said that she doesn’t like Mormons. She said that “they only help their own” because at one of her past jobs Mormon people kept unfairly promoting and helping out other Mormons. But hey, she can get all chummy with them to diss gay people. I guess my point is that people can find things in common with everyone. How beautiful is that? All kinds of people can dislike gays, or Mexicans, or people who eat rice with ketchup, or puppies, in harmony! In all seriousness though, this is why I find prejudice so ridiculous. How can you hate people before you even get to know them?

Later, when I was watching the Olympics with my family, this commercial came on (only it just ended with the “what if you couldn’t marry the person you love?” shot). My aunt remarked that the commercial was “so annoying,” and I asked why, because I hadn’t seen it before. She just said “because it’s for gay marriage”. Which kind of annoyed me. Because so what? The way she responded to it just felt like maybe the commercial made her question her anti-gay stance a little. Maybe it intrigued her and after finding out that it was for gay marriage rights she felt betrayed. My aunt is like my mom, but more prejudiced (I try to convert her to open-mindedness too, man it’s tough being me =P).

During dinner my mom brought up Prop 8 and they (my mom, dad, and aunt) all started agreeing with each other how gay marriage will degrade society’s morality. I just kept quiet this time because I was getting kind of weary of thinking about it literally all day (I tend to dwell on stuff). My mom pointed out that I supported gay marriage and tried to joke that it was because I’m gay. I gotta say, my heart jumped a little at that. I didn’t deny it though, I just kept eating and watching TV.

I want to debate homosexuality with them in earnest. I have talked about it a few times but I always try to be all nonchalant. I’m afraid of debating it at length and in detail because I think they will suspect me of being gay.

I almost came out to my best friend today. I was so nervous the whole day, but I never really knew when to say it. We hung out with some guy friends then later watched TV at her house. We didn’t have a lot of time alone though, ’cause her mom came home soon after we did.

I’ve also been wondering if I should tell her I’m bi or a lesbian. I’m really still as confused as ever. Some days I feel completely gay, some days I don’t want to think about relationships *at all*, some days I even feel straight. Then I thought, why don’t I just tell her just that, all that I’ve been feeling? That I might be bi, I might be gay, that I’m still confused. I don’t know why I have such a hard time saying what’s really on my mind. A lot of times I don’t say exactly what I’m thinking, I say some pre-crafted answer that I think will fit in better with what people want to hear. I’m trying to stop this pattern, but it’s kind of complicated because a lot of times I have trouble explaining my thoughts, so I guess I’m afraid of fumbling around with words when I could just give an easy, not-quite-right answer.

I do trust my friend. I think she would be very understanding. I guess the right time won’t come and I’ve just got to do it before I chicken out. I want to tell her before we both leave for college. The next time we hang out alone, I’ll try again. Just..”Hey, I’ve got something to tell you..”

This year is the first time I’ve really gotten into watching the Olympics. I like watching womens’ beach volleyball(mmm..for the sport of course), gymnastics, synch. diving, and swimming. My mom is such a Phelps fangirl, so I tease her and cheer for Ryan Lochte. Lochte is so adorbs πŸ˜›

Last night I stayed up until like 1am watching gymnastics…sucks being on the west coast right now. I was cheering for Nastia Luikin; she was so good :D. Haha I don’t really know why I like her so much…she just seems so *fierce*. Gymnastics seems like the most nerve-wracking sport to me.

Tonight I have just been reminded of the terror I feel…when I see a spider. I know it’s irrational, what’s the worst it could do to me? But I just get seriously affected when I see them. I squeal and whimper uncontrollably, hyperventilate, I tremble, and sometimes cry. I just feel paralyzed with fear. I am rather pitiful. If it’s outside, in the wild, I can just keep well away and not look at it, but in my room, on my wall…oh the horrors. I mean, I feel like I just have to kill it, or it will find its way to my bed and crawl into my mouth when I’m sleeping.

A lot of my fear kind of comes from having to kill them. I shudder at the thought of killing anything. I feel bad that they have to die just because I can’t deal…but really..I can’t. deal with them. crawling around and popping out for friendly surprises. When I manage to kill them, when I see them dying and shriveling up is when I start crying.

Tonight there was a spider on my ceiling, one of those thick, quick-crawling bastards. I have yet to find an easy way for myself to kill spiders. Sometimes I spray copious amounts of air freshener on them, sometimes I throw East of Eden at them (I’m sorry book, I love you but your heft comes in handy), tonight I tried to stick a length of tape between two hangers and smother it. Yeah..that didn’t work out so well. I dropped the hangers after I stuck it, so everything just fell on my desk. I have a lot of crap on my desk so I was afraid it would hide somewhere and I would just have to live the next couple of weeks in fear, but it crawled to the edge, jumped, and ended up towards the wall, behind my bookcase. I lost track of it. I’m still worried that it will find its way to my bed since my room is pretty small. I’m actually still in the fetal position right now :/

Tomorrow I will clean my room :/

My future roommate better be fearless about this stuff.

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