July 2008


I’ve been really apprehensive about writing about my daily goings-on because I’m paranoid that someone I know IRL will recognize me…but now i’m kind of thinking screw it. I guess I’ll take that chance. I think I’ve been pretty careful enough in keeping this anonymous.

I went to New York (Manhattan, specifically) for a couple of days with my mom. I really really liked it. I think I want to transfer there. I just felt like there was so much to see and do there, unlike the area I live in now, as nice as it may be.

I went to the Metropolitan Museum first; I really liked it there. I think my favorite part was either the pop art exhibit or the photography, although the European paintings were also gorgeous. I can’t paint for shit, btw. I wish I could, but I never really had the patience. And whenever I would paint something that looked good, I didn’t really want to keep going because I thought I would mess it up.

Central Park: gorgeous. I was really looking forward to this and I planned for us to go in the late afternoon/evening so that our walk would be cooler. I always love the lighting this time of day, everything looks so much prettier. I wanted to spend more time wandering around but my mom was getting really tired from walking pretty much all day.

My mom and I also saw Mamma Mia on Broadway (in Broadway?). It was fantastic. I’d never seen a musical before and I was really impressed by it all. I really want to see Wicked now.

I just…loved everything. The architecture, the shopping, the subway system, the way places stay open late into the night, and the busy-ness..

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I think dreams are fascinating. I’ve had some terrifying or downright depressing dreams, but I’ve also had the most wonderful, life-affirming dreams. When you dream you can experience such pure emotions. When your imagination really lets loose you can have the most bizarrely entertaining or kickass experiences.

A couple of months, almost a year ago, I was in a very depressed mood. I was just feeling so blank and tired all of the time. But one night I had a really amazing dream where I felt like God was talking to me. I don’t remember what exactly was said, but I was like given instructions and I followed them even though I didn’t really see the point to them (it was strange, it involved dancing on a log ^^;). It was a short experience, but vivid. I felt soft, cool, lightness envelop me and I felt so loved. Like everything was going to be okay. This was big a comfort to me and helped me out of my isolation. I just really appreciated how God seemed to come through for me when I really needed it.

I’ve been reading a little about lgbt people’s experiences, and it’s interesting to me how some people didn’t really know they were gay for a long time, sometimes after marriage and having kids. Looking back on my own experiences, I can sort of see why that would be. I think there were crushes on girls that I’ve had but just sort of put out of my mind. It was there but I didn’t really acknowledge it or think about what it was. If it weren’t for some dreams that I’ve had, maybe I would be one of those people who don’t realize they’re gay until later in life.

At first, it was very disconcerting. Often in my dreams I’m not physically myself. My POV switches around a lot or I’m like…some other character or person. But I started having dreams where I was a guy, and I would make out (or go further) with a girl. These experiences were like…hazy, but I had this idea of what was going on. During the dream I would feel really uncomfortable and kind of sick, but for some reason I’d keep going. I was so confused when I would wake up. Did I want to be a guy? I didn’t think so…it felt so wrong but why did it keep happening? I think that because I still felt like homosexuality was wrong my subconscious was sort of trying to reconcile my attraction with those beliefs. Sort of like I thought that I could make out with girls if I was a guy.

After I started considering the idea that I liked girls, I had some dreams where I was myself and would flirt and be affectionate with girls. I stopped having dreams where I was a guy. These new dreams were very nice, but sadly don’t happen very often.

I’m writing about this now because I had another one of these dreams last night. But it was much too short :P. I was in like a car, maybe a cab, and a girl was sitting next to me. She smiled and we kissed…it was all so sweet and tender. She was so soft. In all of those other dreams I’ve had it’s been sort of hazy, but this was so vivid. When I woke up I could still feel those lips on mine. I felt like I was falling in love. This is why I love dreams so much…how special it is to be able to feel love like that even when it’s not been in your waking life. You can trigger lust with porn, but you can’t really replicate love. Agh. I’m a bit (romantic)love-starved I guess.

I feel like I haven’t experienced a whole lot. I guess I’m young though, so there’s plenty of time. Dreams give me a taste of what is out there, and I’m excited to experience these things.

To whoever reads this, please share your favorite dreams :]

I just went to my college orientation. It was pretty fun and I’m excited for the school year, but I hope that my expectations aren’t too high. I guess I’m expecting that I’ll be able to finally “come out of my shell.” I kind of hate that phrase now; it’s so hackneyed and it applies so often to me. Being self-conscious isn’t all of my problem, though. I like being with people and being friendly. I genuinely want to make friends to support and connect with. But it tires me out so much that after a while I feel like I can’t keep a conversation going.

College…I think it can be all that I want it to be. I just hope that I can finally…I don’t know. Stop wasting my energy deliberating and start thinking out loud or something.

Also, I really, really want…to get a girlfriend. God, I feel so silly. I walked by the LGBT table but was too chicken shit to go up and talk to them or sign up. The table was at the front so I felt extra nervous, and also a friend of mine from high school was with me. I don’t know if I would have had the courage to do it if she wasn’t there. I like to think so. But this troubles me. For all my talk of wanting to break free and be all..reborn into the awesome person I think I can be, what if nothing changes? I have to stop thinking like this. I have to stop looking back and just keep moving forward. I guess when school starts I’ll try to find an LGBT meeting. Cause I mean…could I get a girlfriend without being out? I at least need to stop clinging frightfully to the back wall, brush the cobwebs out of my face, and inch towards the closet door. This all seems so daunting.

Anyone who’s had homosexual feelings knows the fear and confusion that comes with exploring their sexuality and coming out. Well, here’s my story so far.

I used to be very religious; I was in the youth ministry group after going through confirmation and everything. So when I started feeling these things and suspecting I was gay, I felt very ashamed and scared. I was confused because I didn’t know how to change my feelings, how to be any other way than what I was. I prayed so hard to just be straight, to just be normal. My church taught that homosexuals should pray for God to like…fix them and in the meantime try to suppress all of those feelings. Before I knew I was this way myself, I never thought homosexuals were bad people. Still, while I could accept it in other people, it’s been so much harder to accept it in myself. After a while I got a little angry at God for creating me this way. But now I don’t think God ever left me or condemned me. All I ever felt was my own shame for going against what had been taught to me by the church, so that wasn’t his fault. I don’t feel guilty now, but I still feel scared about what my family will think. I don’t know anyone in my (quite large) extended family who is gay, and I know my parents are anti-gay.

When I brought up gay marriage to them when it was legalized in CA, my brothers supported it because they aren’t religious and said the church shouldn’t interfere with the state. My mom, who is religious, said that she was worried that we weren’t bothered by the sinning and how God would punish the state or something. I’m sorry. The whole eye-rolling teenager thing is cliched and all but sometimes it is warranted. I’m just glad that my brothers were open-minded and accepting of it. I think the world could use a lot more tolerance like that. But I’m still not sure how they feel about gay people. We’re not very close.

Although I think most of my friends would not disown me over this, it would undoubtedly change our relationships, and I’m scared of that. Would they shy away from physical affection? I think of them as nothing more or less than sisters. One friend I know would be weirded out a lot. I was talking to her yesterday about a friend of mine. She asked me if my friend was bi and when I said yes she expressed her disgust. She basically acted like my friend was a freak. I don’t really understand her homophobia though, because she is not really religious or highly scrupled. Is she genuinely grossed out by the prospect of same-sex couples? Are any gay people out there grossed out by straight couple PDA’s? Is this just a function of her not being used to it and being closed-minded?

I was cleaning up around the house today (long overdue :P) and I kept finding stuff from when I was a kid, like stationary I never used, beanie babies, and journals. I kept feeling so embarassed when I looked at the stuff I wrote, and the drawings! Oh god, the drawings. Maybe this is a common feeling; I just wanted to hide them forever. I think I would regret throwing them away; maybe someday I can look at them and laugh fondly, but right now I don’t feel far enough removed from them to not be embarassed.

I also felt sad looking at them. Although I’ve not been particularly sad lately, this year I had a nasty spell of depression and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of friends. Looking at those random trinkets, rubber dinosaur keychains and 5th birthday cards from people I don’t remember at all, I was reminded of how lighthearted and safe I felt as a child. How easy it was to make friends, to say what I was thinking, to be entertained. I lost a lot of that in middle school. Middle school’s just a bitch. I don’t know anyone who looks back fondly on that time period :/ Thankfully, I think I’m through the worst of it. But this song lyric feels really apt:

That’s not to say

I don’t have good times,

but as for my days,

I spend them waiting

-Rilo Kiley, “Science vs. Romance”

I keep waiting, and I don’t even know what I’m waiting for. It’s an unhealthy habit, this mood that I slip into. Darn. I meant for this to not be such a serious post. Well here’s a quote that I like that’s not so serious :]

If the world didn’t suck so much we’d all fall off.

(more…)

I have a mad crush on Freja Beha Erichson. She can look like such a badass,

but when she smiles she looks like the sweetest person ever.

Also, I love these videos she’s in. They make me want to travel really badly. And be drunk and beautiful.

I love the music in the second one so much. I’ve been playing the song on like repeat for the past couple of days.

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