I just went to my college orientation. It was pretty fun and I’m excited for the school year, but I hope that my expectations aren’t too high. I guess I’m expecting that I’ll be able to finally “come out of my shell.” I kind of hate that phrase now; it’s so hackneyed and it applies so often to me. Being self-conscious isn’t all of my problem, though. I like being with people and being friendly. I genuinely want to make friends to support and connect with. But it tires me out so much that after a while I feel like I can’t keep a conversation going.
College…I think it can be all that I want it to be. I just hope that I can finally…I don’t know. Stop wasting my energy deliberating and start thinking out loud or something.
Also, I really, really want…to get a girlfriend. God, I feel so silly. I walked by the LGBT table but was too chicken shit to go up and talk to them or sign up. The table was at the front so I felt extra nervous, and also a friend of mine from high school was with me. I don’t know if I would have had the courage to do it if she wasn’t there. I like to think so. But this troubles me. For all my talk of wanting to break free and be all..reborn into the awesome person I think I can be, what if nothing changes? I have to stop thinking like this. I have to stop looking back and just keep moving forward. I guess when school starts I’ll try to find an LGBT meeting. Cause I mean…could I get a girlfriend without being out? I at least need to stop clinging frightfully to the back wall, brush the cobwebs out of my face, and inch towards the closet door. This all seems so daunting.
July 20, 2008 at 11:27 pm
What sucks about highschool is the fact that arbitrary rules dictate your behaviour, and that proximity dictates your friends (some of them, anyway). Getting to uni is the realisation that neither of these problems has to apply anymore – they still can, of course, if you pick your friends solely on the basis of how close their room is to yours and feel obligated to slog through uninteresting subjects, but these are now optional limitations. And all by itself, once you get there and hang out for a day or week or so, the fact of this changes you. Or, conversely, lets you be yourself. There’s no rush, and unlike at school, the vast majority of people are there to do their own thing in their own time, or to figure out what their own thing is. Result – a whole lotta fun.
July 21, 2008 at 9:30 pm
July 27, 2008 at 5:28 pm
fozmeadows said it perfectly. College is a lot of fun because you can do what you want to, when you want. You meet so many new people. That has to be my favorite part. I’m sure everything will go great for you. Enjoy the experience!
August 18, 2008 at 4:10 pm
you are very well-spoken for your age. and, your coming out anxieties are completely the norm. i’ve met very few lesbians (or gay men, for that matter) who didn’t struggle with the feeling of who they truly are versus what society expects them to be. instead of struggling over whether you’re bi or lez, consider yourself “queer”. it will take the pressure off while you explore how you feel.
also, is your college one that is really supportive of LGBT rights? because, while that community can be an excellent resource, at some schools it will pigeon-hole you more than it will be worth supporting, sadly enough…
August 18, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Aw thanks
I don’t really know what the LGBT scene is like at my school, but I know the college encourages acceptance at least. At my orientation there was even kind of a seminar on diversity and they talked about LGBT stuff.