Anyone who’s had homosexual feelings knows the fear and confusion that comes with exploring their sexuality and coming out. Well, here’s my story so far.
I used to be very religious; I was in the youth ministry group after going through confirmation and everything. So when I started feeling these things and suspecting I was gay, I felt very ashamed and scared. I was confused because I didn’t know how to change my feelings, how to be any other way than what I was. I prayed so hard to just be straight, to just be normal. My church taught that homosexuals should pray for God to like…fix them and in the meantime try to suppress all of those feelings. Before I knew I was this way myself, I never thought homosexuals were bad people. Still, while I could accept it in other people, it’s been so much harder to accept it in myself. After a while I got a little angry at God for creating me this way. But now I don’t think God ever left me or condemned me. All I ever felt was my own shame for going against what had been taught to me by the church, so that wasn’t his fault. I don’t feel guilty now, but I still feel scared about what my family will think. I don’t know anyone in my (quite large) extended family who is gay, and I know my parents are anti-gay.
When I brought up gay marriage to them when it was legalized in CA, my brothers supported it because they aren’t religious and said the church shouldn’t interfere with the state. My mom, who is religious, said that she was worried that we weren’t bothered by the sinning and how God would punish the state or something. I’m sorry. The whole eye-rolling teenager thing is cliched and all but sometimes it is warranted. I’m just glad that my brothers were open-minded and accepting of it. I think the world could use a lot more tolerance like that. But I’m still not sure how they feel about gay people. We’re not very close.
Although I think most of my friends would not disown me over this, it would undoubtedly change our relationships, and I’m scared of that. Would they shy away from physical affection? I think of them as nothing more or less than sisters. One friend I know would be weirded out a lot. I was talking to her yesterday about a friend of mine. She asked me if my friend was bi and when I said yes she expressed her disgust. She basically acted like my friend was a freak. I don’t really understand her homophobia though, because she is not really religious or highly scrupled. Is she genuinely grossed out by the prospect of same-sex couples? Are any gay people out there grossed out by straight couple PDA’s? Is this just a function of her not being used to it and being closed-minded?
July 17, 2008 at 3:30 am
My friend I mentioned before, the one who came out in the past two years? Part of what she was reconciling with herself was the fact that for several years, she’d been a committed Christian, or at least committed enough to feel guilty, confused and worried by the fact that she was consistently attracted to women. I’ve not sat down and had an in-depth conversation with her about how she worked things out with herself, but the main thing is, she did, and she’s happier for it. (And for the record, I’m pretty certain that while she’s out to her friends, she’s not to her family – which is fine.)
It’s hard to be faced with the prospect of friends thinking less of us whatever the reason. Sadly, some people are grossed out by same-sex couples; and not all of them feel that way because of religion. In some cases it’s just plain bigotry, or, alternatively, yes, they might just not be used to it. Whether someone is willing to change their mind is dependent on exactly that – willingness. It also helps if you try and let them adjust at their own pace. If that means some ignorant, rude or weird questions, so be it, but if they’re genuinely trying to understand and not just be offensive, it’s worth trying to answer as best you can. Maybe something to do would be to talk about it with your friend as an idea, and find out why she objects. You might not change her mind, but at least you’ll understand her (and others like her) a bit better, and especially where we disagree, that’s always a good thing.
But remember – you’re not alone!
July 17, 2008 at 9:09 pm
@fozmeadows: Thanks, your comments are always so sweet
July 21, 2008 at 5:43 am
I was also a member of a religious organization, you are not alone. I also felt the same way, they want me to be straight like change my way of clothing and act more female. And now, I am not active anymore in that religious organization. I just sing in a church choir. It sucks sometimes. haha..just sharing.
December 5, 2008 at 4:00 pm
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